Thursday, December 10, 2009

Gerald Wallace Facts

Gerald Wallace, Charlotte Bobcats forward, deserves to play in the 2010 NBA All Star Game. Of course, we wouldn't dream of him starting the game over LeBron James, but he certainly deserves to be on the Eastern Conference team's roster.

Sure, he's among the league leaders in rebounding and proves himself as one of the top defenders in basketball every night, but here are a few more reasons to send him to Dallas, as compiled by the Rufus on Fire and Bobcats Baseline communities. If you want to submit a Gerald Wallace Fact, email

Produced by L'Orange Production

Gerald Wallace doesn't get concussions. His brain just shuts down due to a mass influx of awesomeness.

People think Gerald Wallace is in the habit of dangling his mouthpiece. This is untrue. It’s just that the mouthpiece wants to see what amazing thing he’s going to do next.

When Gerald Wallace blocks a shot, somewhere a puppy is born and its family can't help but name him Gerald.

Gerald Wallace doesn't jump. When he dunks, the arena lowers itself until the rim is at his eye level.

In his Oscar speech, Paul Haggis thanked Gerald Wallace for providing the title to his film.

During the 9 months Gerald’s mother was pregnant with him, she averaged a double-double.

The Dave Matthews Band’s 1996 album Crash was named in honor of Gerald Wallace.

If you play the 1976 Earth, Wind & Fire song Shining Star backwards, it says “Gerald Wallace IS an All- Star.” Gerald Wallace wasn’t even born until 1982!

Once, Gerald Wallace dunked a basketball so hard that it turned into a bag of pork rinds.

Whenever the Cats go to New York to play the Knicks, Gerald Wallace has to make a side trip to the offices of the MIB to renew his green card.

Gerald Wallace hits the boards so hard, fans seated behind the basket can hear it say, “thankyousir may I have another”.

Gerald Wallace’s voice is so low that some say he still talks to the ghosts of past Bobcats.

Gerald Wallace came to Charlotte in the expansion draft, and never stopped expanding.

Adam Morrison wasn't upset when he cried as Gonzaga was eliminated from the NCAA Tournament. They were tears of joy that he might get to play with Gerald Wallace.

A young Gerald Wallace was immortalized by the Nickelodeon cartoon "Hey Arnold!". Arnold’s head is shaped like a football because Wallace dunked on him.

Gerald Wallace wears number 3 to remind opposing coaches how many rebounders it will take to keep him off the boards.

Gerald Wallace sticks his mouthpiece out during drives to the hoop to catch blood in case of any height related nose bleeds.

After Gerald Wallace suffered a collapsed lung last year, he shrugged off doctors' treatment recommendations.  Instead, he rebuilt his collapsed lung... himself... from scratch.

Coaches, announcers and commentators have been using the term “Crash the Boards” for 30 years in anticipation of Gerald Wallace.

Mick Foley once turned down an opportunity to take on Gerald Wallace in a “Hell in the Cell” match, fearing for his own safety.

Gerald Wallace would have also started at cornerback for the Alabama football team during his freshman season were it not for his refusal to wear pads.

Jackie Chan can’t believe that Gerald Wallace just did that.

In Gerald Wallace’s mind, MTV’s Jackass plays as a straight drama.

In a survey of NBA players, the most popular leisure activities listed were: video games, surfing, clubbing, deep-sea fishing and traveling. Gerald Wallace listed only three: military-grade bomb defusal, roofing and recreational coal-mining.

For the sixth consecutive summer, the NBA Rules Committee declined Gerald Wallace’s suggestion of adding a barbed wire fence around the court.

Gerald Wallace’s voice is so deep, when he speaks the Grand Canyon gets wider.

Gerald Wallace sat the Crips and Bloods down and made them watch Roots together.

Gerald Wallace actually won a Nobel Prize for most "OHHHHH!!!"s and "DID HE JUST DO THAT!!!!"s.

Before recruits can enter the Marines, they must pass the “take a charge from Gerald Wallace” test. Most of them fail.

Gerald Wallace’s first dunk ended the Cold War. He was 7 years old.

Gerald Wallace caught the Roadrunner and ate him for Thanksgiving.

Gerald Wallace foresaw the demise of the housing market.

Blue Cross automatically cancels the policy of anyone seen standing in Gerald Wallace's path, citing "unreasonable risk."

Scientists tried to find evidence of water by launching Gerald Wallace at the moon.

Gerald Wallace doesn't watch basketball film. Basketball film watches Gerald Wallace.

In 1891, when James Naismith created the first official basketball game, his first though upon erecting the peach basket was: "We're SCREWED when Gerald Wallace is born".

The reason why Gerald Wallace hasn't been an All Star yet is because if he was, it would be called THE Star. Obviously this would be a very difficult marketing problem for the NBA, since the jerseys have already been designed.

At one point in time, they thought that diamonds were the only indestructible thing in the world, but then they found Gerald Wallace.

Rock Star Games was going to base its next Grand Theft Auto protagonist on Gerald Wallace, but decided against it after determining that would make the game too easy.

Gerald Wallace always gets the double quarter-pounder with cheese, lettuce, and extra onions from Chick-Fil-A.

Whatever side of line Gerald Wallace is on... it's the right side. If he crosses that line, he is still on the right side. (Via

After a particularly fierce rebound, Gerald Wallace squeezed the ball so hard, orange juice ran down his leg.

Andrew Bynum begged Gerald Wallace for forgiveness after his cheap shot broke Crash's rib because he had just bought a new house in L.A. and didn't want to enter the witness protection program when Gerald got better.

Gerald Wallace’s jersey is the most durable in the NBA. It's stretch-proof, rip-proof, fire-proof, and, most importantly, Gerald Wallace-proof.